Monday, August 2, 2010

Johnny Recommends SHOWGIRLS To Watch This Summer


Summerization: Elizabeth Berkley wants to be a Vegas showgirl. Nothing's going to stop her, not even Gina Gershon.

Why It's Awesome: Boobs. boobs. Simulated Elizabeth Berkley sex. Boobs. Gina Gershon naked. Boobs. Everyone tries so goddamn hard to be serious the whole thing is hilarious. Boobs. My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult does almost the whole soundtrack. Boobs. Kyle Maclachlan is his badass self. Boobs. This black dude dances pretty intensely. Boobs. Robert Davi has a small role as the strip club owner with half a heart. Boobs. It's one part erotic and one part entertainment. And all of it is enjoyable.

Quote: "You got something wrong with your nipples?"

Best Time To Watch: It's the perfect movie to put on with your significant other and have a nooner too. Or a nooner with yourself. Anyway, watch it at high noon or midnight. Warm weather for the Vegas feel works well too.

Quality: 1 outta 2 broken legs.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Johnny Recommends THE DEVIL'S REJECTS To Watch This Summer


Summerization: The sequel to the kickass Halloween themed film, House of 1000 Corpses, Devil’s Rejects picks up with the police storming the wicked house where the Firefly clan resides. Only Otis and Baby make it out and continue their sick-fuck ways to meet up with Captain Spaulding, so they can…you know, fuck it. It’s a murderously fucked up family road trip.

Why It's Awesome: It’s not Rob Zombie’s Halloween or Halloween 2, so that’s real goddamn awesome. Bill Moseley knows the Otis character perfect, and he brings tons of twisted realism to the cartoonish albino introduced in 1K Corpses. Sheri Moon Zombie isn’t bad as Baby, and she’s still hot. Sid Haig as Capt. Spaulding is awesome. There’s also so many awesome cameos it’s ridiculous. William Forsythe is insane and fucking heartless. Tom Towles, P.J. Soles, Dohmer, Matthew McGrory in his last role, Dave Sheridan from Buzzkill fame (remember that show?), Diamond Dallas Page, Danny Trejo, Ken Foree, EG Daily, Michael Berryman, Brian Posehn, and Geoffrey Lewis. Fuck. That’s awesome. The soundtrack? Awesome. Zombie made a near perfect fucking movie that calls back to the awesomeness of 70’s cinema.

Quote: "There is no fucking ice cream in your fucking future!" and "I have some top secret clown business that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle," and "Son, if you ever say another derogatory word about Elvis Aaron Presley again in my presence I will KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU! Get this Hollywood loving piece of shit outta my sight. FUCK GROUCHO!" is a great one.

Best Time To Watch: On the family vacation/road trip. When you’re in Texas. Anytime in August. Hey, check it out during my birthday week and think of me (that’s the last week of August).

Quality:: 9 outta 10 raccoons fightin’ in a gunnysack.

Johnny Recommends THE FIFTH ELEMENT To Watch This Summer

Summerization: Mila Jovavich plays Leeloo, the 5th element, and perfect human. Her conscious is expanded so far she acts savage and speaks a perfect language that no one can comprehend. Gary Oldman shows up to kill her or capture her or something and John McClain as Bruce Willis is the only thing that can save her. Then when she’s saved she’s the only one who can save all life everywhere by using her mouth as an energy cannon. So we all kinda owe Bruce Willis a little more than Mel Gibson. Oh, and Chris Tucker plays Ruby Red, a radio personality (because radio is making a comeback and will never die, idiots), with a penis shaped hair style.

Why It's Awesome:For some reason, someone thought Bruce Willis should go blond for this. Well, it’s forgivable as he’s obviously having a blast with the material and its infectious. Luke Perry has a scene at the beginning, so that’s awesome for him. Gary Oldman plays the heavy and he has a lot of fun. Mila Jovavich is also as nekked and showing as much skin as allowed in a PG-13 film. I’m talking about side boob/nipple here. There’s also some very awesome music, creatures, spaceships and flying car chases. The whole thing just has awesome style. And it’s directed by Luc Basson of The Professional fame. Did I mention that Chris Tucker also has a dildo sprouting from his forehead?

Quote: "I don't want one position, I want ALL positions!"

Best Time To Watch: Really good for dinner and a movie. Great for viewing on a warm Sunday evening.

Quality: 5 outta 5 stones activated.

Johnny Recommends THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 To Watch This Summer


Summerization: The chainsaw family is back and dubbed the Sawyers. Leatherface and the gang return for a fun summer of killing, cooking and eating. But watch out, because after Dennis Hopper shows up and uses local radio DJ, Stretch, to stur them from hiding, there’s not a damn person who can stop the cocaine fueled madness. It walks the fine like of dark comedy and light horror movie. And very grotesque.

Why It's Awesome: Dennis Hopper, Bill Moseley and the guy who plays the cook Drayton Sawyer make it above and beyond every other sequel and remake to the original. There’s moments of intentional hilarity. Chainsaws go through heads and stomachs. There’s turkey carver action, repeated hammer shots to the head, razorblade slicing, a chili cook off, old fashion Texas justice, dueling chainsaws, walls filled with human remains and one hand grenade. If you do it right, one is all you need.

Quote: "No, but... but yeah, but...woooa."

Best Time To Watch: Whenever you’re in Texas. Before a cookout. Any time lots of meat is being served. Whenever the date is at the beginning.

Quality: 9 outta 10 times, it’s not a hard peppercorn.

Johnny Recommends THE BIG LEBOWSKI To Watch This Summer


Summerization: : Jeff Bridges is The Dude. After a case of mistaken identity, thugs break into his house and piss on his rug. All the Dude wants is a new rug (it really tied the room together) for his apartment. Since it’s directed by the Coen Brothers, chaos ensues.

Why It's Awesome: Jeff Brides is the fucking Dude. Forget Crazy Heart (though awesome) THIS is the role he was born to play. White Russians galore, boobs sprinkled throughout, acid flashbacks, awesome quotable lines in every scene. The laughs do not stop after they start. John Goodman, Steve Bushimi, Jullian Moore, Tara Reid, Flea, the lead Nihilist, John Tuturro, the big Lebowski, Philip Seymore Hoffman and just about everyone else are absolutely awesome in their roles.

Quote: How about, “You want a toe, I can get you a toe,” or “Nothng’s fucked!? The Goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain,” or “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!” and there’s always, “Yeah, well. The Dude abides.”

Best Time To Watch: You must, I repeat MUST, have a gallon of milk, a bottle of vodka and Kailua. Now, feel free to view whenever. Or, make it a game and see how many times a day you can watch it. With your White Russians, of course.

Quality: 5 outta 5 missing toes.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Johnny Recommends THE TRIGGER EFFECT To Watch This Summer


Summerization: Some area around L.A. (I think) loses power during a heatwave. It doesn't take long for Average Joe to lose his shit and either start stealing or shooting people. One couple decides to get the fuck out before it turns into The Road Warrior.

Why It's Awesome: It's got Elisabeth Shue, hot as ever. Also Kyle MacLachlan is there, being his badass self. Same with Michael Rooker. The guy who plays the friend is pretty decent too. Overall, the story telling is pretty awesome. Everyone is flawed and the movie paints a more or less realistic picture with its characters. People make the wrong decisions all the time, and this movie doesn't hide the fact. Plus, Elisabeth Shue nipple is always welcome.

Quote: Still haven't seen this one yet this summer. No quote comes to mind. Although Elisabeth Shue does read a bedtime story/poem at the beginning that's like maybe a metaphor for the movie. So that's pretty good.

Best Time To Watch: During a heatwave, ideally sweating balls. Anytime when it's over 90 degrees outside. Super perfect if you live in the valley.

Quality: 3 of 4 days spent in blasted, blistering heat.

Johnny Recommends I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE To Watch This Summer


Summerization: A female writer goes on a woodland vacation and gets raped for about an hour of screen time. Then she gets her fucking revenge.

Why It's Awesome: Yes, I went there. Rape/revenge. Believe it or not, this movie is awesome. Let's start with a quote from famed and respected drive in movie critic, Joe Bob Briggs: "Is this the most anti-woman movie ever made, like it's critics say; or, is it the most feminist movie ever made?" The girl gets raped repeatedly by backwoods subhumans. Not awesome. But when she mans--or WOmans--up...hooboy, does she ever. Bathtub castration, death by asphyxiation, axe use and castration with an outboard motor (yup). Her revenge is sweet indeed.

Quote: Nothing comes to mind. There's lots of screaming though.

Best Time To Watch: Well, by yourself, on a particularly nice day. If you've got awesome friends who enjoy cult, exploitative, controversial cinema, they might check it out. But good luck. This bitch is a tough sell to those not in the know. Also, I recommend watching this with audio commentary from Joe Bob himself. Otherwise it's pretty goddamn hard and awkward to get through.

Quality: 10 for 10 castrations.